The Beginning of the End

In November 2010, just 10 short or long depending on how you look at it, months after moving to Maryland Nick told me he needed to talk to me. He told me that he struggled with his identity as a male and maybe he should live life as a woman. I was devastated. I spent days crying, I locked myself in the bathroom at worked and cried during the day, I cried in the shower at night, I cried until I had nothing left to cry. In the end, and that end came only about a week later, nothing came of it. We chalked it up to Nick not really being a guys guy, not into many stereotypical “man things” and certainly lacking the interests of the men in my family. We moved on with our lives never mentioning it again, but I was always on edge and it was always in the back of my mind so when he told me he needed to talk to me again in November (why does he love to tell me things in November, next November I’m hiding) 2014 I knew exactly what it was and my stomach immediately dropped. This time I knew it was real and this time something had to be done. I poured myself into research. I read books, and blogs, I participated in online discussions and support groups and again I cried. I cried and I cried and I cried. What was I going to do? It was actually more complicated this time. The first time while, we were married, we were not as established and the answer would have been simple. Now we own a house, which by the way we were getting all brand new windows in 2 weeks after his revelation increasing my investment in it, we had a baby, I was no longer working full time, and I was about to begin writing my dissertation. My choices were to stay or pack my baby and move back to Michigan and in with my parents. My options were pretty limited. I didn’t want to leave I just wanted it to go away I wanted my life to go back to normal. If there is one thing I have learned in the last 7 months, it’s that not everything is black and white. Statistically most people leave and I was told time and time again “if I were you I’d leave”, and I bet from the outside it does look that simple, but it is far from it, and until your spouse tells you they want to change genders trust me you have no idea what you will do. We had been married 5 years, had been together 10, and had a baby; we had a life together. I take my marriage vows very seriously I said “for better or for worse”, this might just be the “worse” part and I’m not about to turn my back on him or my life. So the question becomes what is he? My hope was a cross dresser-a straight man who likes to wear women’s clothing. What’s the big deal there? So what he will wear women’s clothes around the house and no one has to know, it’s the perfect solution. I joined support groups for cross dressers wives and learned everything I could about cross-dressing. I pretty much know everything there is to know about crossing dressing now, and guess what my husband isn’t a cross dresser. I told him he was a cross dresser and I told him why he was a cross dresser, I guess deep down if I thought if I could just convince him that’s what he was that’s all it had to be. As I sit here writing this it’s been a very short time since I have come to terms with it, but as soon as I did I was at peace. The reality is my husband is a male to female transgender person and I’m ready to move forward with the transition. I sick of hiding, I’m sick lying, I’m sick of the back and forth. I’m ready to morn the loss of Nick and begin my new life with Emily.

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