Stages of grief

The stages of grief are experienced by anyone who faces a loss and that is not any less true for people who love someone who is trans. I’m losing the man I married, there are things that I’m gaining, but there is a loss involved and that loss must be grieved. I have gone through the stages and have come out on the opposite side in acceptance. Acceptance doesn’t mean that every day is rainbows and butterflies it means you understand the situation and you accept it for what it is. There are still days I hurt, still times I wish we could be a “normal” family, but that’s not the hand I was dealt. I could change it, give back these cards and ask for new ones, but im not interested in that, I’m playing for keeps. So anyone who chooses to stay in a trans persons life, whether it’s a romantic relationship, friendship, or blood family member must grieve. Grieving in itself is painful and I’m glad it’s over for me. This is an overview of the stages of grief as they pertained to the process for me… Denial and isolation- oh denial, Nick wasn’t trans he’s just not manly, but that’s ok, it’s ok to not like sports, it’s ok to not be into house repair. I isolated myself by not telling anyone. I lived my day to day life as if everything was fine and went home at night and cried… Anger- I was angry I didn’t know sooner, angry I was being put through this (this wasn’t fair, what about me?) I was never necessarily angry at him, I was just angry… Bargaining-if it existed I tried it. My most proud times were trying to bargain with Nick to just cross dress. I tried with every fiber of my being to make my poor husband a cross dresser. I told him how he we do it, what it would look like for our family day to day. I even went as far as to join a support group for cross dressers wives… Depression-this stage for me wasn’t too bad, the depression came and went. There were (and still are) days that I feel like the walls are closing in on me, but the happy days were still there too… Acceptance-Here we are this is life, let’s move forward. I just said to Nick yesterday “I’m tired of the back and forth, I’m just ready to be full time.” He laughed and said, “you’re tired of the back and forth?”. Now I’m watching others grieve and I feel for them. I wish I could tell them I’ve been down this road, you can deny it, be angry, try to change it, and be depressed, but in the end it is what it is and we just have to move on, together, but I can’t. Everyone must travel this road. I know brighter, better days are ahead for everyone at the end, we just all have to get there in our own time, at our own pace. Kisses, Amanda

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