A hard day
The last two weeks have been really difficult for me, not just because my husband is trans, but for a variety of reasons. There are moments when I feel like I’m barely hanging on by a thread. There is so much I need to write about and I’ll get to everything in the next few days, But lets start with yesterday… It was our son’s second birthday, Emily stayed home from work so we could celebrate together in the day before Q and I left for the weekend. The plan was to take our lunch and go to this really nice park about 45 minutes from our house that has an awesome new renovated playground (it’s a wizard of oz theme), farm animals, a train, miniature golf, and a carousel. When we were getting ready to leave I commented on Emily’s choice of clothing. She was wearing a business casual type dress, much more formal than a natal female would wear to the take her kid to the park. Part of the thing about being trans is you’re trying to fit in with the gender you are transitioning to as much as possible so you want to follow the norms of that gender. The spouse of a trans person has an enormous responsibility to help shape their spouse into the man or woman they are going to be one, however this dynamic is not much different than that of a mother and a teenager so it can be very tricky. I told Emily she was dressed a little formal for the park, to which she got upset. I think her actual frustration is she doesn’t have enough clothes and since she has not begun the medical side of transition her body shape is still that of a man so it’s harder for her to pull off certain types of clothing. Jeans for example don’t fit her in the butt and hips the way they would a natal female. She did end up changing, but her feelings were hurt and I felt bad. I’m trying to help, her fit into the role she wants to be in and feeling bad when your intent was good makes the bad feeling even worse. I get that it sucks when you’re trying your best to pull off a look, to look good and someone tells you it’s not good enough or says something that indicates you should do it differently. I’m at a loss. Do I let her learn these lessons on her own or keep trying to guide her knowing that her feelings and delicate and it’s only going to gete worse once she starts hormones? It’s such a double edged sword. So she changed and we eventually got out the door (come on two women and a toddle we might never get anywhere again 😉) and we get to the park. As soon as we get to the park I see a friend who doesn’t know yet. (Insert heart sinking into your stomach sound effect). It’s not that I care if this friends knows I just hadn’t had the opportunity to tell her and I can’t describe how awful it is having to come out to someone in this manner, but then it gets worse…turns out several of our friends were there, all moms who didn’t know so I had to have the same awkward conversation with many people while Emily was there. She played with Q during the actual conversations, but was present none the less. Everyone took it great, full support, no issues, but it’s still an awful feeling for me and I can’t help feeling like I broad sided them. I hate running into people we know who don’t know. We saw yet another friend later and I said nothing about the other woman who was with me, I couldn’t. At that point I was emotionally drained on the issue. I can’t wait until we are totally public and this doesn’t happen anymore.