It’s been a while since my last post because I have not been in a good place and I have been trying to keep a lid on my emotions so to speak. First off I am still really hurting from my in-laws visit and I just can’t seem to shake the funk that I have been in ever since. It seems like they came and left a cloud of anger, sadness, and doubt that has just sat over me since they were here, I feel a little like Eeyore. I am not blaming them, it’s just difficult dealing with someone else’s grief. We had plans and we were in a happy place, ready to move forward with our lives and with transition and then they came and questioned if I will stay and if I will keep my son from them and now here we are…I feel stuck in a purgatory of sorts because how can we move forward if no one else is?
Second there has been a lot going on in the trans community and in the immediate community that I am a part of. I will start with the deep betrayal of a member of my support group. I will call her Sue, Sue is a natal female married to a male to female transgender person, just like myself. In the Spring Sue’s spouse had asked for an open marriage because she was interested in dating men, Sue said no she was not going to participate in that. Then in the middle of October found out that her spouse was not only cheating, but was prostituting herself and has been since that initial conversation. Sexuality flipping is a very real concern of spouses of trans people so this situation is scary for everyone who knows about it. It’s scary and sad that this was the choice her spouse made, she could have been killed, or contracted a disease that she then passed on to her spouse, not to mention the betrayal of the whole situation on her wife and their children. They will be getting a divorce, but the pain she must be in is unimaginable to me and of course made me question things in my own marriage. When drama in other trans couples arises it has been my MO to say that is them not us and not let it impact me beyond caring for a friend, but this was so deep and so brutal that I couldn’t help really feeling scared for myself. Yes, of course there are straight, non-transgender men that higher prostitutes, and married woman that prostitute themselves so no couple is free of this reality, but when a couple so similar to you has it happen, that is when it hits home. Emily has reassured me that the relationship we have cannot be broken up by anyone or anything and that while she would never have cheated going through this with me has made her commitment to me even stronger. I trust her, but there seems to be a nagging in the back of my mind that doesn’t want to go away.
Lastly, is the issue of suicide. The suicide rate of trans people is 42%, which compares to 1% of the “normal” population. The same week as Sue’s news broke a trans woman posted a suicide note online and then walked in front of a truck and ended her life. Then a few days ago another trans person I know of, ended her life. I do not have any details from the second suicide just that it happened. The suicide situation scares the hell out of me. I do not think Emily would do that. She has too much to live for and she does not have the level of depression that others trans people do, but again it’s one of those situations that is too close to home.
Anyways I need to pick up all the pieces that were once whole, but have been scattered around in the last month. My dear friend today was telling me to look at the positive. That big changes are coming, but it is what it is and all we can do is focus on the positive. I cannot change anyone else around me, but I can change my attitude towards them and the situation as a whole. It may be too painful to be around some people as they grieve and that’s ok. I cannot afford for the sake of my child, my spouse or myself to be brought down in other peoples grief. I can control myself and my reactions, and with my head held high that is what I am going to do as I move forward.
Thank you for your continued support,