Today my sister-in-law asked me a question that I had to do some thinking about to come up with a truly good response and it’s something I think many people would be curious about so I thought I’d post about it. The question basically was about my attraction to Emily.
This is interesting because I am not attracted to women so what does happen when my husband becomes a woman? This is a little complex for someone without a trans spouse to grab and a little difficult for someone with a trans spouse to explain. The best way I can describe this is through a metaphor. There are two types of attraction an immediate physical attraction and a deeper emotional attraction.
When you meet a person you may be physically attracted to them immediately, but then you get to know them and find out their insides and their outsides don’t match and you loose your physical attraction to them. On the other hand you might meet someone you are not physically attracted to yet upon getting to know them you fall in love with them and they become very physically attractive. I’ve been with my husband a long time, we have been through a lot and our love and attraction is much deeper than an initial physical attraction so therefore when I look at Emily I can still see Nick (this is also why it is difficult for me to tell if Emily passes as a woman) the person I fell in love with a married a long time ago.
So basically it is not a question of if I am attracted to Emily, a person who outwardly appears to be female, but a question of if I love the person I’m looking at on the inside in a way that makes me attracted to them on the outside. Now none of this is to say that physical changes that have taken place to turn his masculine body more feminine (for example shaving of body hair, growing out her hair and nails) were easy for me, but it’s just something you start to look past. You learn to see the bigger picture. My spouse no longer has hair on her legs or arms yet, was I attracted to him because of that hair or was I attracted to him watching the interaction between he and our son?
There is a reason I who normally doesn’t use “we” in marital situations that don’t directly impact me (example I was pregnant not we were pregnant) say this is my transition too and that is because I am changing, I’m becoming a different person in the way I see the world, the way I see myself, and the way I understand life. The bottom line is yes, I’m attracted to my spouse not as Emily or Nick, but as the person I met when I was 17, who I have over a decade of memories with, an adorable son and a bright future.