People who love me have a valid concern about my decision to stay and have expressed the idea that I could decide later I want to leave. While this make sense and anyone could leave a marriage at any time for any reason I think that it is important to understand why going through transition with the mind set that you could leave is damaging.
First off let’s look at this from a simple perspective: No one says “I do” thinking, ‘well it’s OK to make this commitment because I can always leave if I want.’ They think, ‘I’m going to be with this person the rest of my life and I’m going to work to ensure that, that happens.’ It’s the goal; the goal of marriage is that it will last forever. We know this doesn’t happen, but it’s the plan.
Now let me really expand on this and get into it when your spouse transitions. Nick’s transition to Emily is my transition as well. I’m transitioning from Nick’s wife, to Emily’s. From a heterosexual couple to a homosexual couple, from a family with a mommy and a daddy to a family with a mommy and a mommily. I made the decision to stay and that comes with a lot of change, pain and challenges, but you must be 100% committed or you will not survive.
I made the decision to stay and I cannot tell myself that if down the line it is too hard I can just leave, that’s giving myself a “get out of jail free” card that I can’t afford. I have work to do that is not always easy and if I see a way to avoid that on a particularly hard day, I might. We have made plans and are moving forward with our lives, both with transition itself as well as plans for our family. I’m not putting my plans on hold to wait and see if I can really do this. No, I’m staying and I’m moving forward. I could regret staying as easily as I could regret leaving. I can only make the decision that makes the most sense for me and this is it.
At the end of the day I am going to be OK. Anyone who knows me in real life will attest to this. I’m strong, I’m set in my way, and I’m stubborn as a mule. I will survive, and I will be a better person because of this. I’m 100% committed to my spouse, to my family, to this transition, and to making changes that need to be made and moving on. My life won’t be the same, but it’s my life, it’s unique it’s special and I love it!