Early December 

This is several random thought and notes from early in Decemeber when I was having several negative feelings…
This has been a very bad week and one of the hardest parts is I can’t even talk about it all, but let’s start from the beginning and see where we go…
Monday December 7th…its just after 1pm and Emily comes home. Now before I continue you need to understand I work 4 part time jobs (working 6 days a week), I’m a full time doctoral candidate in the 12th month of writing my dissertation, and I have a toddler so nap time is my time. It’s the only 2 hours I get out of the entire day to sit and do nothing and this particular day I was extremely tired since I’d had a sick toddler attached to me all weekend. Just as I sat down from putting him to bed, Emily walks in the door. She proceeds to make a phone call, a phone call that I didn’t expect. I suddenly heard her say “hi how long does it take to get a legal name change”. The walls began to close in on me and the room started spinning. My feelings made no sense to me, I knew this was coming I was ok with it coming so why am I now smack dab in the middle of a full blown panic attack? My support group said it was normal and that is be ok. I went to my room to put laundry away and focus on something else. Rachel suggested I use my senses to focus on the things around me what the clothes looked like, felt like, smelt like as I folded and put them away and it work. The room stopping spinning, the walls went back to their normal position and I could breathe again. There is a lot going on this month and it can all be a bit overwhelming. 
When you’ve been waiting a long time for something the closer it gets the farther away it feels, this is the case in no matter what instance. So here we are a little over a month away from going full time with Christmas, a weekend trip to Arizona and a week long over seas work trip making it seem even shorter, yet each day grows longer with heightened anxiety and stress. We still have to go totally public and tell my dad. It will be the shortest yet longest time of our lives. With each day that passes Emily finds “boy mode” to be more and more disheartening. I on the other hand am counting the days until essentially my husband is dead. In a little over a month a huge part of my identity will change. My sexuality (or so it is viewed from the public eye), my family structure and most of my idea of gender roles (especially when it comes to house hold tasks). My son will loose his “daddy” and in many ways this is harder for me than the idea that I’m losing my “husband”. I don’t know what a life without a daddy is like, I like calling my spouse daddy.
You know what no one tells you about transition? (I don’t know who was suppose to tell me this) is the toll it takes on your self esteem. First you question what you did or didn’t do to turn your husband into a woman. Then you watch your spouse get treatments to be more of a woman while you sit around getting fat (I eat too much cake) and looking tired (stress). It just seems so unfair at times. 

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