The third “person” in my marriage 

Very early on I had to come to grips with the fact that gender dysphoria is bigger than me, it’s bigger than my spouses’ love for me, and basically it controls our lives. There were many times that it was hard for me to come to terms with it, to understand that there are no choices to be made when dysphoria is involved, dysphoria makes the decisions for us. My spouse couldn’t decide to not be trans and not transition because it might mean breaking up our marriage and our family, because dysphoria came first. I learned to cope over time and this is something I have rarely spoken about. I was good at covering my feelings, that pretending like this didn’t hurt. In so many ways it was like dysphoria was the other woman and she was in the driver seat. I have over time healed, I’ve come to terms with the dysphoria, I know she has nothing to do with me and if my spouse could make it go away she would, but that’s not a choice any trans person can make, we know, we tried once. Sadly, some negative feelings have reared their ugly heads recently, I want to be first, I want me needs and my feelings to matter above everything else, but they can’t and they won’t, dysphoria’s do. I know these feelings will pass, that I will go back to my positive “spouse of a trans person tackling the world attitude” and that this is a fleeting moment for me where I’m letting something I know I shouldn’t, get the best of me. I guess we are all allowed to have a bad day once in a while, feel sorry for ourselves, and cry. Maybe this is even more so true when you’re pregnant. Oh well, tomorrow is a new day and as I’m always I’ll be ok. 
Kisses,

Amanda 

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