We are a few short days always from the name change being legal. The ad has run in the newspaper and the date to dispute it is long gone. While I am happy for my spouse and having the correct identification will make our lives unbelievably easier I have a mix of emotions both for myself as well as for my in-laws.
Last Friday I had a midwife appointment, both my mother-in-law and our son were with me. On the drive home she asked me about names for the new baby and we talked about the names we had picked. She said “choosing a name is hard and that is why the name change effects me” (meaning Emily’s legal name change). I 112% understand where she is coming from. I love my sons’ name and I would be very sad if one day he changed it for any reason. A name is something your parents get to give you and very seldom does that name change. A lot of people in the trans community get really upset with their parents for using the wrong name (I prefer birth name, but it is commonly known in the trans community as a dead name-this makes me too sad) and my opinion is that it’s not fair. When a trans person changes their name like it or not they took something from their parents and they need to give their parents respect and flexibility in this arena. I know my father-in-law is sad about the name change and he and I are very alike in that his sadness appears to be anger. They, like all other parents of trans people have to work through the grief of losing “Nick” it will take time and honestly I don’t know how you face the name change issue as a parent. I empathize with them completely.
As for me, it took the beginning of the run in the newspaper to realize that my spouse’s identity as Nicholas Crose did impact my identity. As much as I use to hate the “Mr. and Mrs. Nicholas Crose” I am now mourning it. This will be an interesting year for us we will go from Mr. and Mrs. to Mrs. and Mrs. to Mrs. and Dr. I guess not a whole lot of people on the Earth can say that.
There are times when I hear my spouses birth name that I am sad, the “I once had a a husband named Nick” shadow pops into my head. Changing her name on my phone was the last thing I did, I held on to it. It seemed like a harmless way to keep a piece of the man I married, but that to is now gone. Time heals all wounds and the more time that goes on the less I will mourn or long for “Nick”. There may even come a day when I am introduced to someone named “Emily” and I say oh that’s my (gasp) wife’s name.